New Year thoughts.

I just finished watching Babette's Feast, upon the recommendations of some foodies and a religious guy. I figured the movie would be about the age-old controversy between spiritual purity and carnal pleasure, but in truth I got something completely different out of it... Most memorably, my heart skipped a beat at the end of the movie, when the old spinster sisters find out that Babette was not only the famed chef from Cafe Anglais, but that she had spent her entire lottery winnings to prepare a feast for the villagers. "But you'll be poor for the rest of your life," one of them quietly protests.

An artist is never poor… Throughout the world sounds one long cry from the heart of the artist: Give me the chance to do my very best.

That's really been my heart at the turn of the new year. Looking back over the past year, I feel like I've made my peace about a lot of things. There are a lot of dreams and desires that I've laid to rest -- not out of disappointment, but with the quiet understanding that God has indeed given me great enjoyment of many skills, and that though I may not understand why I can't now utilize them, maybe someday there will be a window for me to enjoy them again. (I really wouldn't have understood that at a younger age.) Hopefully when that happens, I'll have a better appreciation and understanding of those gifts.

With that laid to rest, I then turned to my day job and made peace about the fact that my work there might always be undervalued, that I may never feel like I'm part of the team... but I'll learn what I can, take pride in doing the best that I can with the resources I've been given (and seek resources elsewhere), and maybe find a more agreeable fit, in the right place at the right time, someday.

There were too many days last year where I really did feel like I was living my life in quiet desperation. Every day that I come home depressed over work and its tenuous relationships, the one thing that has kept me sane is the act of creation -- whether it be small coding projects, or tending my little windowsill garden, or cooking with B. Knowing that I can still make something enjoyable, or knowing that my work is not the measure of my life, is hugely comforting. I think that's what hits me most about the quote from Babette's Feast. Every day, I need to find a little pocket of something by which I can say I've lived, even if it is small and unimportant to everyone else.

And above all, the one lesson that's stood out to me most from the past year is, everything has its season. (To everything, turn, turn, turn...)

Anyway. This year, I haven't drawn up new year resolutions so much as made some life markers. These are things I've known but have only now been unapologetically choosing to live by --

• I've made peace with a girlfriend I hadn't talked to in a long while. I pray the forgiveness will keep our friendship alive and vibrant.
• Keep in better touch with people who really deserve the better parts of me -- not the least of which is my extended family in Asia, but also my cousins in the States. Keep in touch as best I can, knowing that it may be frustrating.
• Figure out a plan for where I'm going in life, but keep it flexible in case something doesn't turn out.
• Believe that everything has its season. But I am here, now, and it is within my power to live well.